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31
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1990-10-03
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P2*P9 JOKESP2 *P9 JOKES P2*P9 JOKESP2 *P9 JOKESP2 *P9 JOKES P2*P9 JOKES P2*
P6The little girl was walking in the garden. She happened to
see a peacock, a bird she had never seen before. After
gazing in silent admiration, she ran into the house and
cried out, "Oh, Granny, come and see. One of your chickens
is in bloom!"
A small boy, told not to go swimming in a nearby pond, came
home with his hair wet. He told his mother he had fallen
into the water.
"Then why aren't your clothes wet too?" she asked..
"Well," he replied, "I had a hunch I might fall in so I took
off my clothes and hung them on a limb."
One little boy said he was attending the wrong school. "I
can't read and I can't write," he complained, "and they
won't let me talk!"
If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you
won't either.
There are three reasons why she likes teaching....June, July,
and August! :D :D :D
What's the difference between lawyers and catfish? Well, one
is a low-down, scum-sucking scavenger. The other is a fish.
What's the difference between an Alabama coed and a catfish?
One has whiskers and smells. The other is a fish.....
Although there were only enough cookies for each child to
have three at a party for little folks, young Bobby took
four.
"You're supposed to get only 3 cookies, Bobby, " said the
hostess. "You ought to put the fourth one back."
"Can't," exclaimed Bobby. "I ate that one first."
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help
you reach it faster, too."
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little
and who go along learning more and more about less and less
until they know practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little
about many things and keep learning less and less about
more and more until they know practically nothing about
everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about
everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because
of their constant association with experts and lawyers.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.
A teacher asked her children to draw pictures of
Christmas to hang up in the windows. One student drew a
picture of the Nativity, with Mary, Joseph, the Christ-child
3 wise men, etc. Off to one side was an extra figure, a very
portly sort of fellow with a large stomach. When the teacher
asked who that was, the student replied "That's round John
Virgin!"
A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome. He told his
friend, the local barber, all about it one day while having
his hair cut.
"How will you get there?"
"I'm going on Alitalia."
"No-not them," said the barber, "They have a terrible
reputation. Where will you stay?"
"At the Rome Hilton."
"Forget it," said his friend, "I hear their hotel there is
abysmal. When you get there what will you do?"
"Why, I'm going to see the Pope."
"Come on. Who are you? You're not famous or well-known.
Don't be ridiculous!"
A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again.
"So, you never got to Rome, did you?"
"Oh, yes, I did! Alitalia was a wonderful airline. And the
Hilton hotel was magnificent. And I did get to see the
Pope."
"Well, what happened?" asked the barber anxiously.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"You're kidding! What did he say?"
"He looked at me and said, `Son, where did you get that
lousy haircut?'"
Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a
gentlemen in the back pew turned his head to one side, put
his hand to his ear, and said, "Louder."
The preacher raised his voice somewhat and continued with
his sermon, which was not too interesting. After a few
minutes the man said again, "Louder!" The preacher strained
even more and continued on, but by now the sermon had become
quite boring. The man said again, "Louder!" At this point a
man on the front row couldn't stand it any longer and yelled
back to the man in the rear.
"What's the matter, can't you hear?"
"No," said the man in the back.
"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back
to join you."
The good thing about inflation is that homeowners can live
in a more expensive neighborhood without the hassle of
moving.
I think my bank is in trouble. Right next to the pens
chained to the desk, they've chained the bank president.
I should have known the bank was in trouble. The calendar
they gave me only went up to March.
I must have an immense quantity of mind. It takes so long to
make it up.
--Mark Twain
My doctor takes no chances. Before operating on me, he gave
me a pre-surgery credit-scan.
A man was hit by a car, and as he lay in the street waiting
for an ambulance, an onlooker covered him with a jacket
and propped his head on a pillow.
"Are you comfortable?" the helper asked.
The injured man replied, "I make a living."
My brother-in-law works at the same company I do--he's our
anchor man. We call him that because he keeps us from
moving forward.
My father is a very highly respected accountant--a ledger in
his own time.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
--Goethe
A New York cab driver picked up an Englishman at the airport
"You're British, right?"
"Indeed," replied the tourist
"Well, here's a famous American riddle for you. I'm thinking
of someone who has the same father and mother as I do,
but is not my sister or my brother.
Who can it be?"
The Brit frowned, tugged at his mustache, and after a long
pause replied, 'very well, I give up--who can it be?"
"Me," the driver laughed.
The passenger thought a minute and then began laughing along
with the cabbie.
After returning to his home in England, he decided to try
the riddle on his friends.
`While traveling in the States, I picked up this delightful
American riddle:
I'm thinking of someone who has the same parents I have, but
the person is not
my sister or brother. Can you guess of whom am I thinking?"
The group thought, tried various possibilities, and finally
gave up. "Stymied!
Of whom ARE you thinking?"
He flung his head back, slapped his knee and laughed, "He's
a New York cab driver!"
My friend doesn't know how to communicate well with his kids
When they complained that he wasn't giving them enough
quality time, he bought each of them a Rolex.
My daughter told me she wants to be a seismologist, so I
enrolled her in the School of Hard Knocks.
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with
them won't aggravate.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius
has its limits.
In the late 1600's the finest musical instruments came from
three rural families whose workshops were side by side in
the Italian village of Cremona Outside the shop of the
Arnatis hung a sign which read, 'The Best violins In All
Italy." Not to be outdone, their next door neighbors, the
Guarnieris, hung a sign proclaiming 'The Best Violins In
All The World!" At the end of the street was the workshop
of Anton Stradivarius, and on his front door was a simple
notice which read, 'The Best Violins On The Block."
When men and women get married, they need a marriage
license. What do lesbians need?
A licker license.
Christmas is a strange time of year. That's when people
celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace by buying toy
rockets, submarines, artillery, and hand grenades for their
children.
The Parents' Prayer: "May this be the Christmas when Barbie
goes out, gets herself a job, and buys her own darn clothes.
It's a good idea to send the kids to bed early on Christmas
Eve. It gives fathers a few more hours to play with their
toys.
The cheapest place to meet for the holidays is Grandma's
house unless you're Grandpa.
Banks never seem to get totally into the holiday spirit. My
bank sent me a card that said, "Have a Happy Holiday. If You
Are Already Having A Happy Holiday, Please Disregard This
Notice."
An office party is an event that's on your schedule for an
hour, on your conscience for a week, and on your personnel
record forever.
One hot item this year is a jigsaw puzzle of the old phone
company. It's for people who want to put it back together.
@FIN@